Thursday, May 31, 2012

One Less Lonely Gurl: Chapter 13

Yup, the Earth is heliocentric.
[Jimmy's Note: There are actually things I forgot to explain in this fanfic such as the stuff I was still supposed to write had I not given up on this fanfic.]

The next day, I told Justin that I cannot go with him and that I will have less time for him for the meantime because I will create the chemical that will allow him to breathe underwater. Justin, after all, is just a small

(Pun NOT intended.) 

but important part of my plan. Having him fall for me is just an additional point for the fulfillment of the things I am supposed to do. I know pretty darn well that the world does not revolve around him. The world revolves around the sun,

(That's true, but your actions say otherwise.) 

so that means there is more to life than just him.

I applied for a job at the Krusty Krab as the fry cook so that I can be with Bob.

(That didn't come out quite right...)

I didn't want to stay at home with nothing to do. Besides, being a fry cook is part of the Master Plan.
"Pretty please?" I said to Mr. Krabs as I handed him my resume. [AN: I have no idea how to type the French e that is in the real spelling of the word.]

(This is the only author's note in this fanfic that is in the middle of the story. Someone told me how to do it in my reviews, but now I forgot how to do it.) 

"NO," Mr Krabs said in an adamant manner. "Only a few chosen ones

(So frycooking is part of a prophecy now.) 

are allowed to be fry cooks, and you are not one of them. I do not trust you completely with the Krabby Patty Recipe.

(Mr. Krabs is making sense here.) 

I remembered that time when you ran to the Chum Bucket that first time I saw you.

(Yeah, when you were hitting on her. That's gross! By the way, I was supposed to write a rape scene there, but I was so disgusted by the mere thought of having to write about it. Sure, C'ren was raped by her half-brother, but I didn't get into the horny details of how he did it. Remember, I suck at writing sex scenes.) 

Sure, Bob may have associated himself with Plankton at some time in his life, but he has sworn to keep the secret of the recipe and to stay loyal to the Krusty Krab no matter what. That's why I still have all these customers... and Plankton doesn't." He ended this statement with his signature laugh.

(What a jerk! More so than in the canon!) 

Awww... Wait, that's not a puppy!
"Pretty please?" I said again, but this time with my puppy dog eyes.

(Because C'ren is actually a bitch. A bitch is a female dog. Puppies are dogs. So if C'ren has puppy dog eyes, then she has bitch bitch eyes. Right?) 

"Fine," Mr. Krabs said. "You may get a job here as a cashier. Ward isn't even doing a good job at it anyway.

(As seen in the Krusty Krab training video.) 

He's reducing the maximum potential of this restaurant with his grumpy demeanor. I'll fire him later and I'll see you at work tomorrow."

When I finally got on my post as a cashier, not a minute was spent just sitting on the boat-shaped counter and reading magazines or getting angry at Bob like what Ward used to do. Queues upon queues of customers were always there to serve. Bob and I were a powerhouse money-making team for Mr. Krabs: Bob with his quick hands with making the Krabby Patties perfect and I with my cheerful aura that attracts more customers.

Even Ward himself actually went here to order a patty.

"Good afternoon, C'ren," Ward said in an unusually cheerful tune. There was a huge smile across his face, and I can really see the happiness in his big, brown eyes. "I would like to have a Krabby Patty to celebrate my first day of peace and quiet. Boy is it peaceful at home when Bob is here at work. I can freely practice my clarinet without any rowdy noises. Besides, Patrick is just a silent deadbeat without Bob."

"Order up, Ward!" Bob said as he handed me the Patty and he laughed in the peculiar way that I know he does.

"Thank you, C'ren for making my life better," Ward said as he ate the Krabby Patty while standing beside me. Because there were too many customers, there were no more seats for him. "I have already mastered the clarinet arrangement of One Less Lonely Girl

(Title drop 2! Anyway, here's a video of some guy playing Baby on the clarinet. I couldn't find one for One Less Lonely Girl. I gotta admit, it would be hilarious to actually hear Squidward play a Justin Bieber song on the clarinet, but it would be EPIC to hear him play an Avenged Sevenfold or Green Day song.) 

that I was rehearsing a few days ago. Remember that date Justin set you up in? I really had to practice for that because it would be embarrassing if I made any mistakes with the playing while in front of one of the world's biggest stars. As a matter of fact, Justin is paying me and not William Fancyson,


my high school arch rival with a hideous unibrow, to be his clarinet player in the first underwater album he will ever record, and from that I earned a lot more than I ever did in this dump. The only reason I'm here is because I love Krabby Patties even if I hate working here. The next I would be working on would be a jazz song I've always wanted to compose."

When it was closing time, Mr. Krabs handed me one sack of money to be divided between me and Bob, since I still live in Bob's pineapple home until now anyway.

"Congratulations, C'ren and Bob," Mr. Krabs said. "In one day, you guys have helped me earn a whopping two million dollars!

(Wait, is that even possible? Oh, right. Mary Sue. Never mind.) 

Now, here's a sack of money. That's your pay for the day. Divide it between yourselves."

"Hey, C'ren," he said as we split ways on a crossroad. "Aren't you going with me?"

(Who said that? Well, actually, Bob did. Would be gross if it was... never mind. The mental image of that is disturbing enough.) 

"Nope," I replied. "I have more important things to settle."

Bob went straight home as he pushed the sack of money using a makeshift wagon that Mr. Krabs had provided for him.

As for me, I proceeded to Chum Bucket to get started with the chemical that will allow Justin to breathe underwater.

[AN: Thanks for pointing that out. I was actually supposed to type, 'Everything is going as I have planned it to.' Also, I will answer that question about her name's etymology over the course of the next chapters.

(I never really answered this, but I will do now, along with some scenes that were supposed to be in the story had I continued to write it. I was inevitably going to come clean soon enough anyway, but because I value my sanity, I decided to come clean much earlier, cutting off most of the actual story. The epilogue I wrote was actually an abridged version of what was supposed to happen. Don't worry, there are no badly-written sex scenes being planned at all. 

Spoilers ahead until the text becomes white and normal-sized again. I forgot to write about this part in the final author's note, but now I will explain the story further. Anyway, C'ren is actually the name that delusional Kataryna Simovitch has in a crazy dreamworld after watching the Spongebob Squarepants movie from the window of a nearby apartment. Yup, this whole thing is just a dream by a psychopathic hooker in Russia who shivered in the cold because of her ridiculously skimpy outfit. [No offense to Russians though; this is alternate universe Russia and Kataryna is just a fictional character.] 

In her dream, she was born as a half-mermaid. [Another Mary Sue point!] That will explain how she can breathe underwater. Had I continued writing this story, Neptune was supposed to thwart her evil plan by revealing that he is her grandfather. He would send her off to the prehistoric era before the time of humans and strip her... of all her powers and talents as punishment. He would also restore everything to normal soon after, destroying all traces of what C'ren has done to the world as soon as she conquered it with her mind-controlling patties. Sheldon would be arrested again. Justin's memory would be wiped of all the things he remembers about C'ren.

In the dream, her mother [who, in actuality, is just a normal human being...] was actually a princess/mermaid who was disowned by Neptune a long time ago after attempting to escape an arranged marriage when she fell in love with a fisherman, who would be C'ren's father. [Coincidentally, C'ren in a Dragonriders of Pern fanon is a fisherman...] She was punished by getting sent to 21st Century Earth, where life is full of suffering, and getting turned into a land human. She then saw this as an opportunity to be with her lover. Little did she know that the fisherman was actually married to a yandere, which also explains why he cheated on his wife. That was also supposed to explain why land humans are not allowed in Atlantis. C'ren's mother was considered as sinful as the land humans. 

As for Justin Bieber, a land human, he was looking for a place to escape from his rabid fangirls [like C'ren herself, but she is too pretty for Bieber to resist, at least in the story] and he discovered Atlantis before C'ren ever did. Fortunately for him, he and all of the crew were wearing suits similar to Sandy's when the ship sunk. The careless captain passed the Bermuda Triangle by accident. He and the crew all thought they were going to disappear into thin air and cease to exist, but Justin dove and saw the same iridescent coral reef that C'ren saw. He called all the crew, who, miraculously, were all still alive, and they were all fascinated by what the mysterious neon sign [which says 'Welcome to Atlantis'] that didn't electrocute them. He decided to keep that a secret from the world, though. 

They discovered Atlantis, intact and prosperous, and they were allowed to live because the Atlantians actually love Bieber. As Spongebob explained to C'ren, they have both land and undersea channels there, and [almost] everyone thought Justin Bieber is great. When Justin Bieber was supposed to look for a place to escape the crazy fangirls temporarily, he found yet another place that welcomed him and deemed him worthy, the only exception to the rule that land humans are not allowed in Atlantis because of 'their sins.' The very first underwater concert by a land human was hence performed. He was also given a place to relax and he soon noticed that the Atlantians aren't as crazy as the land humans. He would go back up safely to the land to continue his promised tours.

Anyway, back to C'ren. The lost princess was forbidden access back to Neptune's kingdom, but Neptune forgot to forbid access to C'ren, since she is actually, technically, partially, an ocean human. C'ren just never knew this and thought that being able to breathe underwater is a product of practice. As for her name, she was supposed to be Karen, but on the day she was born, her father was drunk as fuck and wrote C'ren instead of Karen on the birth certificate. [At least he got the last three letters right.] It can also be said that since the common pronunciation of the name C'ren is Seeran, it's also [coincidentally] a pun on 'siren.'

Again, none of this really happened to her because she really is just an ordinary human being in 21st Century Russia, working as a hooker, without hope of being Justin Bieber's One Less Lonely Gurl. And she stinks at her job.)

Lotsaluv from Monica.]

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