The Original Text in My FFN Profile

Yeah, someone agrees with Monica.
Hi, I'm Monica. I'm 14 years old, and as you can see, I am, like, SO TOTALLY in love with JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!! Ahh!

~~I'm a Belieber and I love all things bright and beautiful. I hate rock music, especially Green Day and Avenged Sevenfold. Yeah, those gay fags. As a matter of fact, Rebecca Black makes better music than any rock musician (er, noisemaker) ever spawned. Goths, emos, metalheads, scene kids, and punks creep me out, although my love of all things Edward Cullen also changed that a little bit. I love the fact that Edward Cullen sparkles in the sun like a thousand diamonds embedded on his skin.

we, we, we so excited!
I'm five foot eight and always taller than Billie Joe Armstrong, the least talented 'singer/guitarist' in the universe, but the weird thing is that I've always had a thing for shorter guys, considering the fact that Justin Bieber is 5'5. I love the color pink (especially Baby pink, because it is light, bright, and has a Justin Bieber song in the name!) and hate the color black most of the time. I also hate wearing heels. Being so tall is a fucking curse.

I think Italian food is disgusting. I prefer Chinese food. I'm lactose-intolerant, and cheese reeks. I also love soda, especially Pepsi. My favorite chips are barbeque-flavored Pringles.

Hotness in its pure form.
I read romance novels a lot also (Twilight! Edward and JACOB are so hot!), and I think that the most boring, insipid book ever written is The Catcher in the Rye, not to mention that it is also Billie Joe's favorite book. He has horrible taste.

In other words, I am a bona fide prep. So how do Tara Gilesbie and I share genomes, huh? We're pretty much polar opposites, except for the Twi-love part.



The Truth

...and don't wear it out!
Name's James, and don't wear it out. I'm 21 years old, and as you can see, I am, like, SO NOTTOTALLY in love with JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!! Ahh! (My leg!) Okay, now that was just wrong. But the point is, I'm not really that crazy about Justin Bieber.

~~I'm a Bierliever (it's a Black Veil Brides thing) and I love all things dark yet beautiful, although I do love rainbows too because I support gay marriage. I love rock music, especially Green Day and Avenged Sevenfold. Yeah, those guitar heroes. Goths, metalheads, and punks are cool (in my opinion), although my hate of all things Edward Cullen will not change that despite the fact that Twilight is often associated with these groups of people. I hate the fact that Edward Cullen sparkles in the sun like a thousand diamonds embedded on his skin. That's just ridiculous. Also, I think he's a very abusive boyfriend and that the book teaches girls the importance of having a(n abusive, paranoid, creepy, undead) boyfriend, when in fact, relationships are not really the top priority in life. If anyone would comment with something about A Little Piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold, yes, it talks about necrophilia and that type of stuff, but at least the poor girl stood up for herself and did not become the submissive, boring person that Bella is.

I'm four foot ten (yes I'm unfortunately very short for a dude for some reason) and alas shorter than Billie Joe Armstrong, one of the most talented singers/guitarists in the universe. I prefer physically fit, curvy women to stick-thin anorexics who think that they look good when they look like boughs from a dying tree. Really tall women also intimidate me. I often wear elevator shoes to give me two more inches of height. Being so short is a fucking curse, but perhaps, being a dude, that's what will make me stand out among the rest. I just hope that, being a nineteen-year-old, I will still get a chance to grow taller (which is highly unlikely). But if not, perhaps I'll just remember that Prince is a giant in the music industry despite being short just like me. Someday, I will be a giant in literature too hopefully, and this is where I'm starting out. It's always been my dream to become a famous writer. Okay, even if that does not happen, nothing wrong with having goals, right?

I like the color pink but I love the color black. My other favorite non-black colors are neon green, blood red, blue, and violet.
My favorite food is lasagna (which is Italian food!), and I'm addicted to cheese. I'm definitely not lactose intolerant, and I would definitely pick a frappuccino over soda. Soda makes me lose my appetite. I also don't eat chips, those salty/sour/spicy/savory ones. I prefer chocolate chip cookies, Oreos, or pop tarts. One weird thing about me is that I don't like barbecue that much. I'm more of a sweet tooth when it comes to my junk food, but mostly, I eat vegetables and stay fit.

I hate romance novels unless they have a profound story to them that is beyond the cheesy serenades and the wet dreams (just like Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse is beyond just the sex scenes with Siddhartha and Kamala the courtesan), and I think that the most interesting, compelling book ever written is The Catcher in the Rye, not to mention that it is also Billie Joe's favorite book. He has great taste.

Oh, and the most boring, insipid book ever written is Twilight. Out of curiosity and because I thought the book had a nice cover, being someone who likes dark colors, I tried to read the first ten pages of the accursed tome with an apple on the cover and got lulled to sleep just on the first ten pages. Furthermore, I will never understand why girls would go crazy over a thick pile of misogynistic nonsense sugarcoated with superfluous purple prose. As far as I know, a vampire that watches you sleep should be in your fucking nightmares, not your fantasies. I knew about the apparent sexism in the book when I have read several websites about why the book is that despicable, and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. I thought it was just abhorrent because it's boring, but it turns out that there is a deeper reason why the book must be so resented. At least I've learned to literally not judge a book by its cover.

In other words, I am a bona fide not-prep. Come to think about it, Monica's persona is really more chav-like than preppy. So maybe Tara and I do share genomes. We have a lot of things in common and I actually like the same stuff she likes, although I think wrist-slitting isn't really cool, and I really hate Twilight. When I'm down, what I would do is practice tattoo artistry by drawing stuff on my wrists using a pen (not a Sharpie because I heard that the stuff can poison one's blood) instead of slitting. I actually remember that Belieber who took things too far and slit her arm with the inscription 'JB I love'. So much for the notion that only 'goffik' people like Tara slit their wrists. I'm right handed, but I'm actually left-handed when it comes to drawing stuff on my own skin.

Generally, I don't really bother to fit in. It's in my nature to not conform to ridiculous trends and to bow down to the neon god known as pop culture. I live to pursue my passions and to inspire those who actually believe in me. That means you guys, the ones who flamed my horrible fanfic that I wrote as a challenge.

Why I Wrote the Godawful Fanfic in the First Place

I will never look at cupcakes in the same way again!
I am an aspiring novelist and I'm currently working on my own original novel, along with Plankton's Eye View, the fanfic I'm writing in order to make up for time wasted by deliberately writing stuff that must have dissolved some of my brain cells.

So, here's the reason: As I was researching on how I can improve my writing, I came across the concept of Mary Sue, an overly perfect character written by amateur writers as a break from reality. I thought that was something normal writers would do. After all, literature really is a temporary escape from reality unless said literature is nonfiction. I then came across the worst fanfiction ever (according to Mr. Google himself), My Immortal (which is still better than Twilight because of the humor factor). I then came across many others in the same awful breed, such as Agony in Pink, Cupcakes, and Twila: Da Girl Who Was In Luv W a Vampir.

I was driven by curiosity. I started to wonder why in hell anyone would write such horrible pieces of 'literature'. Utter stupidity? Lack of a life? Or just plain lack of writing skills? So, I decided to find out myself. Fanfiction.net, I thought, is a good place to start. I then went undercover as an uber-stupid preppy (in the context Tara uses the word) equivalent of Tara Gilesbie, Monica Gilbey-Bieber. Her name is actually an alteration of moniker and Gilesbie respectively.  I was also wondering why people would intentionally misspell words that are so easy to spell and why they would intentionally write incoherent sentences.

As an added bonus, I was also wondering how it feels like to live the guts of that bitchy valley girl who picked on me back in elementary and high school (Thank God for college!) with the help of her jock ex-boyfriend who crushed my self-esteem simply because he is muscular and way taller than me. Heck, the top of my head hasn't reached his shoulder yet. To add insult to injury, I used to have a crush on her, but she told me sharply that she will never love me unless I'm tall. Good news though is that I learned better. Call it a Napoleon Complex if you want, but I'm just being myself. It's natural I guess for guys like me who are on the short side to overcompensate for what they lack. Up until then, I was still left wondering: what the fuck was I thinking? Why did I fall for a bitch who can't even use the English language properly? Well, I did meet her again years later in architecture school, and she has changed a lot, and for the better as well. We're friends now, I have forgiven her, but I will never forget how she broke my heart. Nevertheless, she is still the inspiration behind one of my 'masterpieces', and one of the driving forces behind my pursuit to keep improving myself. And for that, I still thank her for wounding me. I realized that she had to do so to make me discover mo' bout mah dirty ass up in order ta learn how tha fuck ta heal dem wounds. (Sorry, I just had to quote that part in Ebonics from my dA journal entry about my success in finally reconciling with her.)

I thought that I would never experience requited love. Let's face it: almost one wants to date a guy who is shorter than them. I know that. As of now, I'm teaching myself how to accept whatever genetics and God have given me. If I'm destined to be short, then so be it. At least that will make me stand out in a way, as I've said several paragraphs ago. In fact, I can consider myself fortunate to have an amazing girlfriend who accepts me for the way I am.

horrible fanfic writers.
Soon enough, my 'work of art' garnered over a hundred negative reviews from many angry fanfiction authors and readers.

Then there was the rudeness. It was tough disagreeing with what I actually agree with. There was even this Hayley Williams (yes I think she's gorgeous too) fanboy who expressed exactly how I feel about this whole gig. But as part of that challenge to fit into that bitch's flat ballerina shoes, I had to argue with the very guy I agree with. There was also this guy who said that short people are great. And since Monica was supposed to be a 5'8 bitch who sees short men as inferior, I had to argue with something I strongly agree with and doing that felt like I hit myself hard in my groin. Nasty.

Back to the fanfic, I never really understood the reason why people would broadcast their stupidity by uploading  ridiculous stories that can make brain cells explode. I'm still wondering why their brain cells still don't explode from writing with mind-numbingly horrible grammar, out-of-this-universe ridiculous plots or just mere porn without plot as in the case for My Immortal where the main purpose of the author seems to be to write about the nasty things she herself wants to do with Draco Malfoy. Oh, right. That's because they don't have any! Also, I wondered why those kinds of people are the ones considered popular in school. At least my flamers showed me that I'm not alone with my pondering.

Unless of course, if the purpose of the writer is to deliberately piss the shit out of people and laugh as they fuss over nothing. Then I applaud them for their will to stand undeserved hurtful criticism and their utter genius.

Given the fact that I'm neither an idiot nor a genius nor someone who can withstand undeserved hurtful criticism, I gave up on the fanfic altogether after a desperate attempt to fix it and a long time off from fanfiction.net. I soon resumed work on my original novel which is still unpublished to this day and decided to clear my reputation by starting over with Plankton's Eye View.

Now, Monica as a persona has gotten better as well, and is now a death metal fan who still prefers to dress up like a girly girl. She pretty much believes that image should not be part of appreciating good music. A remake of One Less Lonely Gurl is also being written, which will reveal more about C'ren's character, and the what-could-have-beens had I continued trolling. However, there will be no more rude author's notes directed at you, the totally awesome readers. And as I read the shit I wrote here years ago, I realized how bitter I was. I've seen how far I've come, and it's all thanks to you guys. :)

Rock on!

Cheers, JAMES.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, I decided to come to this and read it. This made me laugh even though it talks about serious matters. :)


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