Thursday, May 10, 2012

One Less Lonely Gurl: Chapter 5

"Maltreated and abused? Look, Cinderella!" -one of my reviews
[Jimmy's Note: In the legendary words of Tara Gilesbie, viower excretion advisd. This has got to be one of the most offensive chapters of One Less Lonely Gurl.]

 As I went up to the bedroom, I drifted off to sleep right away. I don';t

(I was tempted to get rid of the damned semicolon here, but part of the badfic challenge is to not look back and edit.)

give a damn about the land above anymore. I want to stay here for the rest of my life. That's because, back in the land, I was maltreated and abused by my own family.

(Boo hoo.)

I felt so alone back there.

(Really? How about the men who worship the ground you walk on? Quit complaining, bitch!)

My father had another woman besides his true wife and that other woman was my real mother.

(To those who got a little confused with this: the father of C'ren cheated on his wife, and with his other woman, had a child named Kataryna, er, C'ren.)

She died giving birth to me. So, my dad had no choice but to just take care of me. As I grew up, the one who I once thought was my mother, his wife, was a torment to my soul. She was the head of the household and also, she abused my true father who was my only comfort, but then he was too afraid to fight back now. He was too weak a man.

(This is another dead giveaway that I am a troll. In this sentence, I am helping raise awareness on spousal abuse, especially with the fact that there are battered husbands too. Well, too bad! C'ren's father's wife is a crazy, psychotic yandere. Also, I'm presenting what may happen if men cheat on their spouses. So guys, when you get married, never, ever cheat on your wives! She will know the truth, eventually! And things ain't gonna be pretty!)

Perhaps it's because she was mad at dad for cheating on her.

(Of course! It's very, very rare to find anyone who won't get mad if their partner cheats on them!)

My half-brother who was much older became the new man in the household. He was also part of the process at which my false mother tormented me back then. Everyday, he, with his disgusting face and nastily fat body, tormented me through violating caress

(In other words, rape and incest.)

and through forcing me to listen to crappy bands such as Green Day and Avenged Sevenfold,

(Fun fact: Green Day and Avenged Sevenfold are MY top two favorite bands! \m/)

both of which are shitty cacophonies that pierced my soul

(I did NOT enjoy typing this at all! In fact, these guys saved my life!)

(SEE? I HATE ROCK! so how am I like Ebony?)

(Because you hate anyone who isn't like you and consider your imaginary beauty a curse.)

and blasted through his mp3 player with its earphones forcibly plugged into my delicate ears.


Just like knives and whatnot, I also saw his mp3 player as a tool of torment.

(What the fuck did I just write!?)

Story of my life.
'Mother' always rewarded my half-brother for every time he would do such horrendous things.

(But her half-brother is actually just as misunderstood as she is because he is actually a coward who lacks self-esteem because of his hideous appearance, low grades, and unpopularity. He only does this because his insane mother told him to. He actually listens to the rock songs to make himself feel empowered, and his true intention for making C'ren listen to the stuff he likes is to try and ease her suffering. C'ren took it the wrong way, though. In all honesty, this is not completely the fault of any one person. All of them are at fault, actually. Infidelity is often caused by deficiencies in any relationship... deficiencies such as miscommunication or lack of intimacy. Okay, enough with the relationship advice from a single 19-year-old who has never had a girlfriend. Another giveaway that I was a troll. Maybe this fanfic isn't so bad after all if all the hate comments from Monica have been removed, if grammar and spelling have been improved, if C'ren wasn't such a bitchy Mary Sue, and if C'ren's motives are further explored. I'm now considering rewriting this whole story with a different title and minus her Mary Sue-ness. Maybe just recreate this story with a different character? Because C'ren, also known as Kataryna, was just dreaming after all.)

"Anything to make C'ren-whateverhernameis miserable,"

(Another hint that I was never serious about this all along. C'ren is really a ludacris [geddit?] name that fanfic readers everywhere have been trying to figure out how to pronounce up until I revealed in a much later chapter that her name is pronounced Karen. But in reality, her name is Kataryna, and she is a delusional woman, so in her dream within a dream, her name in this flashback is C'ren.)

Chibi Rev. Because ALPOH pic/vid is NSFW.
I heard those nasty words resound in my head as the nightmares of my past began to haunt me once again in my sleep.

Soon enough, in front of my very seven-year-old face, she stabbed my father to the very death.

(Must have stabbed him fifty fucking tiiiimmmmmeeeessss... I can't believe it! Ripped his heart out right before his eeeeyyyyyyyyeeesssss... eyes over easy! Eat it, eat it, eat it! -Avenged Sevenfold, A Little Piece of Heaven. Sorry, couldn't resist! Actually, her age of seven is a subtle reference to this song and the band.)

I only knew about the other woman as my father told me his last words, "Be strong, C'ren, just live your life. She is not your mother."

(I think this is a quote from a movie?)

From that day forth, I have had enough. I ran away from home to get away from 'her' and my goddamn half brother and his shitty 'music' if that is what those pieces of dissonant, trashy noises actually are called.

(I could say the same thing about most rap nowadays because all those rappers do is attempt poetry about getting your ride pimped, getting the bitches, and being materialistic in general. Sorry, rap fans. I didn't mean to hate on you guys. I know that different people have different preferences. I'm simply expressing my opinion.)

Out in the streets where I first fled to, it was snowing. It was cold,

(When it's snowing, do you actually expect it to be hot? Well, at least rain and snow at the same time is possible, and Ebony is really happy about that!)

and I didn't even have a sweater to keep myself warm. All I had on that day was a tattered, faded black shirt I loathed and just old underwear down below. I was not wearing any pants at all.

(And this is how Kataryna started her lousy career as a hooker.)

Through what seemed like a hundred years or so to me, all I did was to live like a hobo,

(and be a hooker...)

scavenging food from the trash bins and dumpsters, or perhaps beg from some random people to get even just a cent or two for a day's hard work.

(and pleasure them just for fleeting nourishment.)

It was only until I got adopted by a rich couple that couldn't seem to have kids,

(in your dreams! Why would anyone want to adopt you, filthy bitch?)

around that time when I was about fourteen years of age. That was the time when I decided to make up for the things that I have lost and the things I should have already known since I was a kid, such as reading, writing, and computing.

(computing = math)

That was also when I discovered that real music is the euphony from the voice of an angel known as Justin Bieber,

Are you kidding me?

who coincidentally, my adoptive family shares last names with, although they;re not related to him.

(My Immortal reference: but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie!)

Through four years of luxury, I learned not only to read and write but also various advanced skills such as martial arts, swimming, painting, architecture, trigonometry, biology, fashion design, cooking, mechanics, chemistry, agriculture, guitar playing, singing, drum playing, and computer programming.

(Code Red! Code Red! Mary Sue is on the loose!)

It was at seventeen when I started my career as a marine biologist, just after I won the gold medal in the Olympics for swimming.

(The Youth Olympics.)

Sure, I may have achieved all those things, but I still felt discontented.


My life was still like an empty vessel. I don;t

(Another case of semicolon v.s. apostrophe.)

know what the hell was missing in me. Numerous men of all ages may worship the ground I walk upon

(Bella? Is that you? What happened? You became a prep?)

and many would like to know me, but there is really something that's still wrong with my life.

(There's really something wrong with you, C'ren!)

Perhaps I will discover what it is under the sea, far away from everyone I have once known back in the land above. It's a good thing, though, that after all those times I practiced swimming, I have already mastered it. I am a champ at breath-holding,

(Even Mr. Phelps, a true swimming champ, still needs to wear a diver's suit similar to Sandy's if he is going to stay underwater for a long time!)

so I do not need air helmets at all to survive here,

(Screw logic when you are dreaming.)

just like how the Atlantian man can, but it's just that Atlantian people seem to have noses that are designed for underwater breathing, just like gills.

(Logic points for C'ren!)

[AN: Ok, I used spellcheck.

(Yes. At this point, I've already given up on intentionally misspelling every fucking word. As I've said in a previous commentary, I can't stand misspelling words. Example of why spelling is important: A man on vacation texts his wife: Trip was wonderful! Wish you were her!)

Hopefully my spelling is better by now.

(Yes, yes it is because... I won't repeat myself anymore, okay? Read the small, italicized green text before this.)

P.S. GREENDAY and A7x suck ass!]

(I didn't enjoy typing that at all. Also, Green Day is two words, not one.)

This is for you, Monica Bieber!

(On another note, I think Billie's expression here is hilarious! This is my favorite part of this commentary so far!)

And these too, C'ren!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Da Rules:

1. All forms of spam and advertising will be deleted. These are irrelevant to my posts and are NOT actually comments.
2. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Kindly point out typos/misspellings/grammatical errors if any exist in the post.
3. English or Tagalog only. I don't understand other languages.