One Less Lonely Gurl: Chapter 16

[ERRATUM: In chapter 15, 'comtinued' is supposed to be 'continued.']

 

(I was just too lazy to go and change it. Well, a troll's gotta be a troll, right?)

In the following days, I noticed that Mr. Krabs has been acting differently. He's being a little too nice lately by giving me twice the pay I receive when he's usually a cheapskate. I have no idea at all why he's doing this. Just yesterday, he reprimanded me for visiting the Chum Bucket regularly. Eugene is one heck of a weirdo bipolar...

 

(Just like everyone else in this trollfic.)

After work, he called me over to his office. Bob went ahead to home, as usual, tired from a day's work. He still has to feed his pet snail Gary.

 

(Kept in canon.)

"Why do you think am I being so nice to you, C'ren?"

I did not reply.

"That's because you have to stay loyal to me, and me alone. You are my moneymaker, so it's only fair that I pay you well even if I'm usually a cheapskate. That's just how things go. And promise me that you will never, ever visit the Chum Bucket again!"

"Or else what? If you fire me, what will happen to your business? You said it yourself that I am your moneymaker, and thanks for paying me well. But if I leave, I will always be able to find another job anyway. I just chose to apply here because I want to work with Bob. He's the first friend I made when I got here. Bob may be able to make perfection, but who is competent enough, or more competent than ME, 

 

(Arrogant much? Actually, she's just a jerkass.)

 

to be a cashier? If you bring back Ward, he will drive away your PAYING customers and you will go back to your old life. The giant anchor home you're having built on top of a hill with a panoramic view 

 

(This is me hint-dropping that I really am an architecture student and not a high school cheerleader/former bully.)

 

of Jellyfish Fields will stay as just a derelict, useless framework."

"Good point. But be sure that your purpose of going to the Chum Bucket is, as you said, to reduce Sheldon to tears when there is nothing left for him anymore. You have to pulverize his already crushed spirit."

 

(Again, one of the origins of the idea for Plankton's Eye View, my other fanfic.)

"But for me to stay loyal to you, you have to give me the Krabby Patty formula, to allow me the knowledge of crafting such perfection. Not even Bob would tell me anything."

"Why would I do that? What do you want with the Krabby Patty formula? Isn't it enough that you are allowed to eat it? Besides, I've banned Sheldon from all premises of my restaurant."

"You'll see. I know martial arts pretty darn well. 

 

(Dun dun dun dun...)

 

Better than Sandy does actually. 

 

(Dun dun dun dun... Mary Sue point!)

 

Your years of training as a sailor are nothing against my prowess. I will take over the Krusty Krab after I deal with you, if you don't give me the formula. Either way, I will win. If you give me the formula, nobody will get hurt. If you don't... I will still get it anyway. The HARD way."

Eugene was dumbfounded. He froze as though in horror.

"You want to do this the easy way... or the hard way?" I said as I readied my fists. "There's no way out for you. If you fire me, your life is in ruins. The wisest thing for you to do is just hand it over to me. If you refuse, I can give you a Texas wedgie 

 

Texas wedgie, as seen on Gibby in iCarly.

(iCarly shoutout.)

 

up the 50-foot sign of your restaurant."

 

(Maybe this is how one of my flamers figured out that I'm a guy. A preppy valley girl would not exactly write like this. Maybe? At this point, James is slowly taking over.)

"I'm getting a feeling that you actually are working for Plankton," Eugene said. "And that you are just using me as a stepping stone for some convoluted scheme."

"That's a bunch of baloney," I said.

The talk did nothing at all. 

 

(The dog's bark is louder than its bite.)

 

So I just went straight home as Eugene and I parted ways. But at the very darkness of the deep night, I snuck out of the pineapple house as silently as I can and dug in the sand to get in the anchor house. I punched through the timbers just like I did when I chopped wood in taekwondo class. I was in the root beer cellar. I took a sip of root beer first to quench my thirst.

 

(Root beer thief!)

I slowly went up the stairs and into Mr. Krabs's room. I'm doing this because I've watched back in the land above that he allegedly keeps the formula under his mattress. And my goal is, obviously, to grab it and escape as fast as I can.

As I got in his room, he was fast asleep, his loud snore echoing through the entire house. He was also singing this somniloquy/sea chantey, about money as usual:

"Money, money, oh how I love thee,

It's all about the kaching,

the glim'rin' of greed that brings such glee,

this bliss with ev'rything else unmatching,

Coins, bills, bring them all in!

(Bills? So Mr. Krabs wants to pay more bills? Well, actually, I meant paper money.)

Bring them all here and fill my cache!

The sounds, the euphony of coins a-clangin'!

There's nothing in life like swimmin' in cash!

Jewels and gold, fine linen too!

 (Actually a shoutout to the Avenged Sevenfold song Beast and the Harlot; specifically, this phrase: "the city dressed in jewels and gold, fine linen, myrrh and pearls.")

I'd give everything up just to get more of these!

Bright as the North Star long before twenty two!

My love for every measly cent shall never cease!"

(This poem is probably the most well-written thing in the fanfic. A reviewer even told me to just stick to poetry instead. In all honesty, I don't specialize in poetry at all.)

While he was singing in his sleep, I quickly grabbed the bottle with a scroll in it and sped away back to the pineapple where Bob and Gary are both fast asleep.

I eagerly opened the bottle and unrolled the paper, only to reveal these words:

________________________________________

HAHAHAHA! GOTCHA! But wait... there's more!

(The James takeover. This, along with a news article by Fred Rechid later on, are two of the scenes wherein I took over. This would be how I would slowly reveal that I'm a troll.)

If you're C'ren...

You think you can get away with trying to steal my formula? You may be smart, you may be pretty, an ideal woman for most men, but money is where my heart is, and money alone. I'm over Mrs. Puff. I can't believe I spent a lot of money on her.

(Mr. Krabs resists the Mary Sue! Come to think about it, though, he tried to hit on her in the earlier chapters.)

If you're Sheldon...

You think I would let the formula just stay under my mattress, right? I'm never telling anyone where the formula is! Or maybe I will. I'll tell you what, I burnt it because a copy of it is of no use to me. The formula? I've memorized it by heart.

(This could be a good plot point in canon...)

There's no way you can force the formula right out of me or Bob, my most loyal employee, or even Pearl my daughter, who doesn't really care about my business enough to even get to know the formula.

(Idea from Professor Pineapple: If you're the mattress cleaner... just move along; you didn't see anything.)

Argh! Captain Eugene Krabs

________________________________________

 

I read both because this might reveal something important about how to get the formula. Now, I have a new plan from this. Maybe I don't have to force Mr. Krabs at all. Maybe I can ask Pearl a favor to help me with my plan. It's the least she can do for helping me meet Justin, my idol and my hero.